Vacancy (2007)

Vacancy (2007)

Country: USA

Director: Nimrod Antal

Main Stars: Kate Beckinsale, Luke Wilson, Frank Whaley

Storyline: A married couple get stranded in a vacant motel room where they are being videotaped and threaten to be part of snuff like films.

MV5BMTQ3MDk2MDI5N15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMDgyNzUzMw@@._V1_SX214_AL_Review (Spoils): Amy (Kate Beckinsale) and David Fox’s (Luke Wilson ) car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and they find a sleazy motel to stay at. The TV in the motel room plays funny snuff like video films and the couple makes the connection that some of films are actually their room. The come across the hidden cameras and find out they are trapped there and being threaten by redneck you dress in black and wear masks. This all leads to a underground tunnel chase under the bathroom so they do not become the newest stars to the owners sick films.

We have jumping scares, stabbings, gun shots and lots of cat and mouse running. Nothing overly stands out but the film relies on scares and excitement of the masked group tormenting the young couple.

Rating: Sure this came out before The Strangers but unfortunately the later film was better at it. This was not an awful film but there is was nothing overly special about it either to make it memorable. There are some decent scares but near the end of the film it starts to drag as you get the point.

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6/10 Beers!

Yacker

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Leprechaun 3 (1995)

Leprechaun 3 (1995)

Country: USA

Director: Brian Trenchard-Smith

Main Stars: Warwick Davis, John Gatins, Lee Armstrong

Storyline: A man walks into a Vegas pawn shop with a statue of leprechaun with a medallion along his neck. The necklace gets removed releasing the monstrous leprechaun onto Vegas!

MV5BMjA1NzY2OTkzM15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwODczMDcxMQ@@._V1_SY317_CR6,0,214,317_AL_Review (Spoils): The leprechaun (Warwick Davis) is back and this time he in Vegas. He was trapped in a statue with a good luck medallion holding him but when this was removed the nasty little beast get released. During this a young couple run into each other and fall in love (it is Vegas) but the poor bastard looses everything so he heads to a pawnshop. During this he runs into the body of the guy that removed the medallion but he comes across a gold piece. This leads to a wish and a winning streak. But then there is a fight and he gets bitten by the leprechaun which leads to he slowly becoming one. The coin turns out to lead to curse and the leprechaun starts to kill people off as they start using the coin.

This film is whacked as it involves the classic leprechaun, a chainsaw, a robot, a man who is turning into a leprechaun, an exploding woman, some nasty bites and everyone is trying to sleep with Tammy (Lee Armstrong).

Rating: This is where the series like the Nightmare on Elm Street failed… too much comedy not enough blood and scares. When a series crossed the thin line of funny and never came back. If you’re looking for more dumb than scary then this up your alley.

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3/10 Beers!

Yacker

 

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Freddy VS Jason (2003)

Freddy VS Jason (2003)

Country: USA

Director: Ronny Yu

Main Stars: Robert Englund, Ken Kirzinger, Kelly Rowland, Monica Keena, Katharine Isabelle, Paula Shaw, Jason Ritter

Storyline: Freddy and Jason and both trapped in Hell and work together to make sure people remember their legacy.

MV5BMTI4OTg0NjkxN15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwMDk3NjI3._V1_SX214_AL_Review (Spoils): Freddy (Robert Englund) is trapped in Hell and he needs to help to have the people of planet Earth to remember the legacy of his terror. He takes the image of Pam Voorhees (Paula Shaw) and confronts Jason (Ken Kirzinger) to help him. Jason is resurrected upon the Earth in small area on Elm Street where he starts to slaughter people which starts people talking that Freddy is back. Through this Freddy gains his powers back and is brought back to existence. Now the problem is nothing is stopping Jason from killing which now draws more attention and fear of Jason on Elm Street then Freddy. Now the two villains must battle for king of Elm Street.

Elm Streets kids live in the fear of falling asleep and madman with a machete! This film brings us some nasty machete slicing, bodies bent in half, Monica Keena cleave shots, beheading, a nasty Jason invades a rave scene, classic Freddy claws, Jason in Freddys dream world, the battle between Freddy and Jason and trip back to Crystal Lake. The film even has a nice little ending which is very open ended.

Rating: I do like this film even though lots of people make fun of it. It is what it is suppose to be for both series a tongue in cheek horror entertainment. I personally liked the idea and felt that some of battles and scenes were fun. I would take a Freddy Vs Jason II over the multiple remakes that ended up coming out later on. It was just missing Kane Hodder is the only thing.

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7/10 Beers!

Yacker

 

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Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

Country: USA

Director: John Luessenhop

Main Stars: Alexandra Daddario, Tania Raymonde, Scott Eastwood, Gunnar Hansen

Storyline: After the burning of the original house of the cannibals of 1974 a lone baby grows up to learn her heritage.

MV5BMTQzMzAyNTE2N15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNzM1NDg2OA@@._V1_SX214_AL_Review (Spoils): The Sawyer family get caught in 1974 after the survivor escapes. The town and sheriff go and attack and burn the Sawyer house. A lone baby named Heather get rescued from the family during this to grow up and learn that she is living with her true parents after she inherits the house.

I’m a diehard Texas Chainsaw series fan (its right up there after Friday the 13th) and I was excited about this film. Sadly there are two major issues with it that are so major that this should of never got pass the writers table. But first the good…

First I love that Leatherface is done by Gunnar Hansen again…awesome. Love the intro which is an ode to the original film (still the best of the whole series). The gore and blood was well done I was surprised even though to be true Texas Chainsaw film you should rely on it. But I did enjoy the saw body slice and the meat chopper was a nice touch.

Now for the bad…. the very bad. How the fuck this got past the writers table I have no idea. We have the flashback ode the film and the first scene we have suddenly 4-6 new people in the house in the shoot out that were not in the original film. No explanation who they are, why they are there…what the fuck!

Ok even worse than that, is the time warp! This was 1974, the daughter is 18 years old in 2012! Do you think we are stupid and not care about these massive glitches because they have a nice set of tits? We are not fucking stupid. A really cheesy reason to throw a couple of hot chicks in the film instead of having the main character in her 40s-50s like it should have been. Shame on the writer and shame on John Luessenhop for letting that slide to make this almost or just as bad as the cross dressing Leatherface of part 4. You are idiots! You destroyed what might have been a good film with that stupid decision. Epic Fail!

Rating: Well there it is. A great film that went to shit within the first 10min. This could have been a great film as the idea was there and so was Gunnar Hansen but you screwed it with a lack of explanations and a couple set of tits. Let’s hope the series revives itself somehow from the time wrap.

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4/10 Beers!

Yacker

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Eat the Schoolgirl (1997)

Eat the Schoolgirl (1997)

Country: Japan

Director: Naoyuki Tomomatsu

Main Stars: Yuuki Fujita, Michiru Kato, Kozue Aoki

Storyline: Two young adults work for the yakuza gang making rape/snuff films.

indexReview (Spoils): Two sick young adults who work for the yakuza gang making crazy, bloody rape like snuff films. Both f the young people have their own sexual addiction, one is a phone sex addict while the crazier one gets off on mutilated bodies. We have lots of phone sex, masturbation, blood, guts, sperm (lots of it) and some craziness that you probably have never seen on film till now. The plot is not thick but the blood is and so is the issue to just shock the audience. The opening scene of the phone sex is actually a bit erotic and I had high hopes for this film but then it went all out in weirdness and bad taste. The film has such a wild amount of blood and cum together that it is probably something you never seen before on film. The film is short and not very well written. The gore is ok and outside of the first scene the sexuality of it all is very wrong.

Rating: This film is not for everyone. I have seen a lot of weird stuff and bad taste films and this is up there. The opening scene was so good that I had high hopes that this would be done in a dark light of erotic and gore but it is just a splatter how we can shock them more film. Not a easy film to sit through.

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3/10 Beers!

Yacker

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Witchboard (1986)

Witchboard (1986)

Country: USA

Director: Kevin Tenney

Main Stars: Todd Allen, Tawny Kitaen, Clare Bristol

Storyline: A woman becomes addicted to an Ouija board

MV5BMTA3NDg3MTI2NTdeQTJeQWpwZ15BbWU3MDkzMTEzODQ@._V1_SY317_CR9,0,214,317_AL_Review (Spoils): Linda Brewster (Tawny Kitaen) gets introduce to an Ouija board at a party and when it was left behind she starts her addiction. She thinks she is talking to a ghost of a young boy. She is wrong but way too deep in with the spirit of the board to back out. People start to die and bad luck starts to happen. We have some minor blood such as the construction site killing and the death of the weird 80s chick who thought she was a psychic but nothing really stands out. The only thing that stands out in this film is the attractive Tawny Kitaen.

Rating: The film is not horrible but there are better horror films of the 80s to watch. I personally found the psychic medium annoying and outdated. The film was good enough to pound out a few sequels even if the movie is basically a love triangle over Tawny Kitaen and an Ouija Board.

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4/10 Beers!

Yacker

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Violent Shit (1989)

Violent Shit (1989)

Country: Germany

Director: Andreas Schnaas

Main Stars: Andreas Schnaas, Gabi Bazner, Wolfgang Hinz

Storyline: A crazed madman named K. The Butcher Shitter escapes police and walks around with a massive cleaver.

violent_shit_1989-movie-6Review (Spoils): A young boy kills his mother and gets put away. He is grown up now and is a madman named K. The Butcher Shitter who escapes the police during a transfer. He runs around with his warty, fungus face and a larger then life cleaver. He slaughters anything that gets in his way.

We have some bad make-up, terrible acting, a cardboard cleaver that cuts through anything, blood which looks pinkish and plot that runs a little like nothing but to shock. We have shoulders cut, penises, hedge trimmer chopping, lots of insides coming out. The film is over the top gore but to be honest it does not work as it is so lazy on the storyline.

Rating: I have seen a lot of shitty films in my day but this one is one of the worst. It is gory just to be gory (fine but have a plot!) and the acting is painful. Some of the scenes would have been cool if they would have put some effort into the damn story.

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2/10 Beers!

Yacker

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