The Witch (2015)

The Witch (2015)

Country:  USA

Director: Robert Eggers

Main Stars: Anya Taylor-Joy, Ralph Ineson, Kate Dickie, Harvey Scrimshaw, Sarah Stephens, Daniel Chaudhry

Storyline: 1630 as New England is in a battle against witchcraft and see the outcome of one family

Review (Spoils): The film is placed in New England during the battle against witchcraft in the 1630s. A young couple with their children leave the village so that they can live on their own with their devoted Christian ways. One day when the eldest daughter is taking care of the youngest one, he vanishes when playing peek a boo and then things started to becomes darker for the family. The family start to turn on each other as they try to figure out what is what evil is haunting them and why.

This film has some very interesting and enjoyable scenery such as old buildings, trees and that damn black goat (which you are waiting for something to happen). The acting is actually really good and the storyline has prudential but the sound is not that great. The music and sound effects over take the script (character lines) and along with the hard accent sometimes difficult to keep up. Which is too bad but the film is likable. We have lots of blood, naked witches, a black goat, some nasty head wounds, and some symbolism of coming into adulthood, a coven, a wicked tree and a nice Snow White type seduction.

Rating: This film is not bad but it could have been a lot more enjoyable if they would fix the audio and less on the music. I personally liked the idea and I enjoyed Anya Taylor-Joy as the main character as she was interesting and played the sides of the character very well. I hope this film is not ruined with a sequel, as it was nice to have the open ending.

6/10 Beers!

Yacker

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Sharknado (2013)

Sharknado (2013)

Country:  USA

Director: Anthony C. Ferrante

Main Stars: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, John Heard, Cassandra Scerbo, Julie McCullogh

Storyline: Freak hurricane hits LA with some trapped sharks within the cyclone.

Review (Spoils): What happens when your film careers have hot rock bottom? You sign on with a film like this and it turns into a cult following. We have a strange hurricane that hits LA which for some unknown reason creates cyclones (wouldn’t that be a tornado?) which just happens to start in the sea and it traps a large number of sharks within it and drops them into the city randomly. The best part are the sharks do not die on impact, instead they flip and flop and bit through everything. We have a terrible storyline, horrible acting, bad CGI and some off and on blood.

What I did not know was that sharks that can eat through everything, cars, trucks, through glass and even swallow people completely. (Classic chainsaw scene in the end) This movie has it all from munching parts, fake CGI blood and sharks, lost of sharks and a crazy fake tornado (actually 3-4 of them). This movie is just horrid.

Rating: I personally love bad movies but this one might take the cake for bad. If it was not for Cassandra Scerbo all over the screen this could have been a flip it off. This film is damn bad and the CGI just makes it worse. I can see why this has a cult following and multiple sequels (which of course I will get too and watch) as it is just that bad and cheesy. The final scenes takes the bloody cake and dear god what happened to Tara Reid that alone is scarier than the sharks.

1/10 Beers!

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Most Likely to Die (2015)

Most Likely to Die (2015)

Country:  USA

Director: Anthony DiBlasi

Main Stars: Chad Addison, Jake Busey, Tess Christiansen, Perez Hilton, Marci Miller, Tatum Miranda, Heather Morris

Storyline: Class reunion in the forest turns deadly.

Review (Spoils): A group of former classmates get together for a pre-party for the actual reunion and people start to disappear. One by one, each one starts to be slaughtered by someone dressed in a gown, razor hat and a mask. Each one is slaughtered to match the wording under their graduation photo in the yearbook.

This is perfect plot, people for a nice senseless slaughter movie. This film brought me back to what I like about cheesy slaughter fests. We have hot babes, people acting stupid when frightened, conflict, lots of dark blood, some gore and a unique villain that I actually enjoyed. Perez Hilton was actually entertaining in this film and Tess Christiansen is smoking hot. Sure, the plot had some serious unanswered questions and holes but this type of film is not meant to be serious. We have dark blood, flying razor hats, a nasty hockey stick gag, a beheading that was graphic (I was surprised and delighted), lots of throats slash and some gunshots. Enough here to keep the gore fan happy.

Rating: Very surprised by this film I was really expecting a piece of crap. When the movie started I was like dear god this is going to be painful but we killed the dumb horny chick at the beginning and we moved on to more characters. Sure, there was skin but no nudity but I actually cheered for the villain in this one. I actually hope he makes a come back!

6/10 Beers!

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Nekromantik (1987)

Nekromantik (1987)

Country:  Germany

Director: Jorg Buttgereit

Main Stars: Bernd Daktari Lorenz, Beatrice Manowski, Harald Lundt

Storyline: A street sweeper brings home a corpse after a bad accident and learns that his wife enjoys the body more than him.

Review (Spoils): Rob and Betty are not your normal couple. When Rob brings some a rotting corpse for him and his wife to play with things become massive bizarre. He loses his job and even ends up losing his wife to the dead.

Ever need to watch a film that is so wrong that it is makes it a classic. Well welcome to the world of necrophilia. Yes, not an easy topic, but one that is portrayed in this film massively. If your easy offended, then just skip this review and this series as this is one sick fucker. Rob makes the dumbest decision by bringing home a well rotted body for he and his wife’s pleasure. Well Bob must suck because his Wife Betty has now left him a note that she is leaving him as she does not want to waste the rest of her life with him, she takes the corpse. We have the attractive Beatrice Manowski (which makes the movie even harder to watch) playing with dead bodies and parts and when I say play I actually mean having sick with! Lots of wrongness in this film, body goo, skinned rabbit, beheadings, sex/masturbation with the dead, gore, some blood, body parts that we don’t even know what it is and morals out the fucking window!

Rating: This film is a gem as it is wrong on all levels of film. The film is not well done but the topic and the gore is so over the top that you need to laugh or puke. Too be honest it is a bit of both. You cannot call yourself a horror fan if you do not know this film. It is banned in many countries for reason and it took me forever to get a copy of this many years ago. Wait till the ending…. You need lots of beer for this one….Cult Classic!

7/10 Beers!

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Hell of the Living Dead (1980)

Hell of the Living Dead (1980)

Country:  Italy

Director: Bruno Mattei

Main Stars: Margit Evelyn Newton, Franco Garofalo, Selan Karay

Storyline: A female reporter and her crew work together with some commando’s on battle the undead in the jungle.

Review (Spoils): A chemical leak (something new for zombie films lol) and it starts to turn the locals within the jungle tribes to become zombies. A commando group was created to go and investigate wheat is happening to the people of the area. A young cute reporter by the name of Lia (Margit Evelyn Newton) wants to break the story herself so she joins the commando team. Well she gets more than she bargained for as she and her army try to survive as they find out the whole land is overrun with undead.

Also known as Zombie Creeping Flesh this film is a gem when it comes to gore and zombie flicks. Sure its not as smart as the Romero or Lucio films but you have to give this film some credit for gore. We have the cute Margit Evelyn Newton playing the main character, funny moments and lots and lots of red and gore. We have cannibal zombies that roam the area and attack everything. The film is not unique or even written well but it’s a goddamn zombie movie what do you want. Its got some bad dub but man its gory as hell.

Rating: Many horror fans get mad over this film as a rip off from Dawn of the Dead but you know what its horror, its is suppose to silly and fun. Its an Italian zombie film what more do you want? We have a hot chick and lots of gore, not the best but sign me up as a classic underground gem.

5/10 Beers!

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Ginger Snaps 3 (2004)

Ginger Snaps 3 (2004)

Country:  Canada

Director: Grant Harvey

Main Stars: Katherine Isabelle, Emily Perkins, Stephen Massicotte, Hugh Dillon

Storyline: We go back to the 19th century and learn the history of the sisters and their curse.

Review (Spoils): We travel back in time before the first film into the 19th century. Brigitte (Emily Perkins) and Ginger (Katherine Isabelle) come across a trade post which becomes under attack from a clan of werewolves. While they are trapped there and trying to survive an Indian hunter decides to help the girls survive as one of them becomes bitten by a werewolf and the curse begins for them.

I’m not positive what they were hoping to get out of this film besides some backstory which kind of ruins the first 2 movies. We learn about their original parents and why their bond is so strong as sisters but this film is lacking the dark humor which was so great about the first film. Sure we have the talents of Katherine Isabelle and Emily Perkins again but it is just not the same and the Ginger character just does not fit with this type of background. The special effects of the werewolves are actually pretty cool and near the end of the film you can really get a good look at them. Lots of red blood and fur flying in this film.

Rating: I personally loved the first film as it was a breath of fresh air for the werewolf films but now that we are trying to twist a backstory of the series this kind of left me bored. We have two very talented actresses but the storyline just was not the same to be part of the series. They would of been better off doing another sequel in the same lines of the first two films.

4/10 Beers!

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The Killer Shrews (1959)

The Killer Shrews (1959)

Country:  USA

Director: Ray Kellogg

Main Stars: James Best, Ingrid Goude, Ken Curtis

Storyline: A ship captain gets trapped on an island with some individuals during a storm, who just happen to be experimenting on shrews.

Review (Spoils): Been a while since I reviewed something so I was able to get an hour of free time to sit down for a quick monster movie. Another drive-in corny film about a cocky sail captain who was delivering a stock of items to a group on an island. A hurricane comes along so he is trapped and they just happen to be experimenting on shrews and one of the scientists is a drunk and some how they got released. Oh and there just happens to be a hot blonde there (daughter of course) which the drunkard and the captain battle over.

This nice little B/W film gives us Ingrid Goude screaming and acting horrible, a few fist fights, a bunch of dogs dressed up as shrews, some shrew face puppets that have nasty eyes and teeth (actually the entertaining part of the film) and some really bad acting. The whole film is 90% in one room …. Lack of funds I guess or all spent on the dogs.

Rating: For its time I bet this film was a gem when it came to monster films as the special effects are entertaining and about the only thing that kept me from drinking my sorrows through this one. The characters to be honest I could not give a shrew’s ass about and really the whole Ingrid Goude character was just outrages and dumb (nobody would act the way she was). But looking back this could be a good drinking game as you can drink every time someone enters into a door (remember the whole damn thing is pretty much one room) or drink with them as they spent a whole lot of time at that one standing bar.

3/10 Beers!

Yacker

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