House of the Dead 2 (2005)

House of the Dead 2 (2005)

Country:  USA

Director:  Michael Hurst

Main Stars:  Emmanuelle Vaugier, Ed Quinn, Sticky Fingaz, Victoria Pratt, Sid Haig

Storyline:  A virus spreads along a university and some scientists and SWAT team invade to stop the zombie like virus.

Review (Spoils): The film starts with some typical TA teenage craziness as for some reason a virus from school is spreading and creating zombies. We learn that a lunatic Professor Curien (Sid Haig) has a main zombie that he trying to bring back to life from the dead. Zombies bite and the virus spreads across the campus until the beautiful Emmanuelle Vaugier comes to the case.

Many zombies, lots of biting and who knew that all SWAT Teams are fine getting changed together no matter what sex and feel very conformable with sexual harassment. There is some blood and the special effects are not bad for a TV movie but the storyline is boring as Hell. The acting is okay, the character Ed Quinn played annoyed me.  However, Emmanuelle Vaugier was hot and that held the movie together enough for me to watch it through.

Rating:  This film was not great but it had Emmanuelle Vaugier and did not have the stupid video graphics like the first film. In addition, as a bonus we have the classic Sid Haig for the first part of the film and another babe by the name of Victoria Pratt. Better than the first film with all that alone.

3/10 Beers!

Yacker

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Wishmaster 3 (2001)

Wishmaster 3 (2001)

Country:  USA

Director:  Chris Angel

Main Stars:  Jason Connery, A.J Cook, Tobias Mehler, Lousiette Geiss, Daniella Evangelista, Emmanuelle Vaugier, John Novak

Storyline:  The Djinn is back and causes terror at a University.

Review (Spoils): Student working on a project on ancient mythology unleash the djinn (John Novak) again upon the University. He is granting wishes to open the gates of Hell yet again.  This time the evil lord is going against the lovely Diana (A.J Cook) who by accident unleashed him and now trying to trick her into her three wishes. When he does not get his way, he tries to use his charm for sexual advances and death to all upon the campus.

This film for the series starts to lose its fun and goes downhill. Number one the djinn in this one is not even scary and the human guise of Jason Connery is horror upon itself. We have some fun lovely and attractive women, which we all know Jason Connery does not have a hope in hell with in real life.  Cheesy electric special effects, laser swords, some blood, bad one liners makes this film fall from the once great Wishmaster series. The seduction and overlays in this film are bad and the exploding heart brings the wishes to the lamest yet. In addition, the St. Michael story add in please leave this at the door.

Rating:  I personally enjoyed the first two films of this series not sure, if it was because Andrew Divoff is gone as the main Djinn or this film was just stupid and poorly written. This movie was lacking on budget and tried to survive by through babes in it. We should have stuck with just the first two.

2/10 Beers!

Yacker

 

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House of the Dead (2003)

House of the Dead (2003)

Country:  USA

Director:  Uwe Boll

Main Stars:  Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso, Clint Howard, Ona Grauer, Ellie Cornell, Enuka Okuma, Kira Clavell, Sonya Salomaa

Storyline:  College students go to an island for a rave and are overtaken by zombies

Review (Spoils): A group of stupid college students (even though they are old enough to be out of school) head to an island so that they can attend a rave and film it. When they get there, it does not take long to learn that the island is over taken by fast moving flesh eating zombies. As the film movies along with some very bad acting and out of this world horrible video game film pieces we learn that it is all being powered by a past zombie lord and his house of the dead.

We have some babes, some cleavage, the worse idea of placing video game footage in a film, some shitty storyline, dumb kissing scene, some ok looking zombies, slow motion scenes that you are wondering why you would do this. This film could possibly be on the list of worse of all horror time.

Rating:  Ever watch a film and go man I wonder if this is good. Then while watching it you go to yourself oh no it is the rotten piece of shit film that I have been ignoring for decades? Well that is what happened to me on this one. Why in gods name would some think making a film with shitting video scenes was a great idea? Total on crack and you should not be allowed to film again crap! If it were not for Ona Grauer cleavage throughout the film, this film would be a bomb and not worth a pint.

1/10 Beers! (thanks for the cleavage Ona Grauer)

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Scream Blacula Scream (1973)

Scream Blacula Scream (1973)

Country:  USA

Director:  Bob Kelljan

Main Stars:  William Marshall, Don Mitchell, Pam Grier, Lisa Fortier

Storyline:  A voodoo cult has some internal issues so they resurrect Blacula to fix them.

Review (Spoils): Blacula (William Marshall) has returned as an internal disagreement happens in a voodoo cult on who should be the new leader after the elderly woman dies (yes this is the plot).  One man is so fit in rage of not being chosen he digs up the bones of Blacula and brings him back to make them pay. Of course, from the get go Blacula bites him and makes him one of his spawn. During which Blacula works his way through the female members of the cult until he has a large grouping of spawns. However yet again Blacula falls in love with one member (Lisa Fortier) and this weakness ends his life again.

Much like the first film of the series, we have bright red blood marks, some smashed windows, some seductive neck biting, some jive talking, pimps, bad Blacula make-up, some cool vampire spawn make-up and a horrible storyline.  At least this round Blacula has dropped the growling noises but some of the story if just whacked. A prime example of this is when they discuss the possibility of a vampire existing, while Blacula sits in the room like a normal man but in his black and red cape. (Can’t make this shit up)

Rating:  I personally believe this is the last movie of this series and I can see why. This was a bad plot and the film is very laughable. The movie is pretty much the same as the first one except you have some more voodoo involved. The film is not horrible but I was expecting more in this sequel than what I saw. Blacula was okay but I was much more interested in his vampire spawn as the make up on some of the characters was good for its time. This film is still as cult classic as the series holds its own.

5/10 Beers!

Yacker

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Zombeavers (2014)

Zombeavers (2014)

Country:  USA

Director:  Jordan Rubin

Main Stars:  Rachel Melvin, Courtney Palm, Lexi Atkins, Hutch Dano, Jake Weary, Peter Gilroy

Storyline:  A group of young teenagers go to the woods to stay and are attacked by zombie beavers.

Review (Spoils): Well nothing says Christmas like Zombeavers! Actually, they have nothing in common, so let’s begin. We have a group of horny young girls that travel to the woods to get away from men and the internet. They just happened to be followed by their horny boyfriends and they all join in the woods. While that happened we have a spill into the river in which pollutes the water and creates zombie beavers. Everyone, including the small dog must run for his or her lives!

Occasionally I like to unplug my serious thoughts and unwind with straight retardedness and this is a great example of it. We young hot and horny girls that show their breasts (one at least anyways, thank you Courtney Palm,), stupid males that think only with their penis, a small dog that is thrown to the wolves (or beavers in this case), lots of blood, lots of furry killer beavers that can jump, axes, knives, some whacky beaver people zombies, funny tree chomping and a weekend without any dope! This film has it all but the dope and a serious storyline.

Rating:  If you have an hour or so to kill, this film is a good start. The film was nice cross of Cabin Fever meets Black Sheep. (Not the Chris Farley one) We have some lovely women and some crazy puppets and make up. The beavers make the film by far, as their glowing eyes are the best.  In addition, I love the scene where it drags for far too long with Lexi Atkins on the island in the kitchen battle a beaver in a bikini. (Small exploitation). This film is not be taken serious and it was an okay ride.

5/10 Beers!

Yacker

 

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The Devil Doll (1936)

The Devil Doll (1936)

Country:  USA

Director:  Tod Browning

Main Stars:  Lionel Barrymore, Maureen O’Sullivan, Frank Lawton

Storyline:  A lunatic and a banker uses mini people to grant revenge against the ones that fraud him.

Review (Spoils): Paul Lavond (Lionel Barrymore) is a banker but he was framed for robbery and murder and placed into prison. He escapes in time and with the help of scientist friend who can create little people (reducing real people smaller) and plan revenge.

Therefore, the story begins with the tale of the banker being wrong by his associates and wants everyone to pay for that backstab (fair enough). He meets a maniac in prison named Marcel who can create creatures and reduce them to inches. After Marcel’s death, the banker uses his tools to over take his plan of revenge. He plays most of the movie as Madame Mandilip who owns a doll shop as a front to over up his revenge.

The majority of this film is Madame Mandilip (Lionel Barrymore posing as an old woman) and showing the miniature effects of people being on inches high which the movie Son of Frankenstein took from. The film is much like other Tod Browning films as he has always had a thing for people who were indifferent or have some type of disability (in this case the mute young woman).  Nothing shocking or scary with this film but it thick in plot and storyline.

 Rating:  Lionel Barrymore sticks out in the film, as he can be entertaining as he is playing multiple roles in this story. The miniature people are interesting but after a while, I found myself bored as the story line was too thick and there was not enough scares to keep me laughing or entertained.  I preferred The Unholy Three.

3/10 Beers!

Yacker

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Curse of Chucky (2013)

Curse of Chucky (2013)

Country:  USA

Director:  Don Mancini

Main Stars:  Chantal Quesnelle, Fiona Dourif, Danielle Bisutti, Maitland McConnell, Summer H. Howell, Brad Dourif, Jennifer Tilly

Storyline:  The Chucky doll re-appears back into the family of the serial killer Charles Lee Ray.

Review (Spoils): A young woman named Nica (Fiona Dourif) has been in a wheelchair since birth and under the watchful eye of her paranoid mother (Chantal Quesnelle). The Chucky doll appears at the house and her mother id found dead. The family re-unites with Nica’s older sister Barb (Danielle Bisutti), her husband her daughter Alice (Summer H. Howell) and the nanny Jill (Maitland McConnell). As they, all stay at the house with the doll, one by one, they all start to die and the story unfolds with the Charles Lee Ray (Brad Dourif) connection.

Right after the Seed of Chucky crazy storyline the series tries to get back to its roots. The story starts on a tale of the charming Nica and her mother. They get the Chucky doll in the mail and think of it as a sick joke. Time passes and the doll comes to life and her mother is killed. Everything is played as suicide (with scissors?) any ways that is when the rest of the family comes home and as we have family, secrets and conflict Chucky starts to hack them up.  We have a beautiful cast of women Chantal Quesnelle, Fiona Dourif, Danielle Bisutti and Maitland McConnell. We have lesbian affairs, scissors, very nasty axes gausses, some bad CGI blood, lost of eyeballs flying and hanging, a hot pink bra and panty laptop chat (because that’s what people do in the real world), knives, peeling skin and very cool beheading. The gore is there if you wait for it.

Rating:  I am going to be honest this film at the very beginning I was worried about it. Not being a huge fan of the series this film actual surprised me and got me on board. It dropped some of the cheesy humor of the past films and dove right into a good horror tale. I love the story line that intertwines with the past of the serial killer Charles Lee Ray and his nutty lover Tiffany (Jennifer Tilly). This film actual made me a fan of the series now.

6/10 Beers!

Yacker

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