House of the Dead (2003)
Director: Uwe Boll
Main Stars: Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso, Clint Howard, Ona Grauer, Ellie Cornell, Enuka Okuma, Kira Clavell, Sonya Salomaa
Storyline: College students go to an island for a rave and are overtaken by zombies
Review (Spoils): A group of stupid college students (even though they are old enough to be out of school) head to an island so that they can attend a rave and film it. When they get there, it does not take long to learn that the island is over taken by fast moving flesh eating zombies. As the film movies along with some very bad acting and out of this world horrible video game film pieces we learn that it is all being powered by a past zombie lord and his house of the dead.
We have some babes, some cleavage, the worse idea of placing video game footage in a film, some shitty storyline, dumb kissing scene, some ok looking zombies, slow motion scenes that you are wondering why you would do this. This film could possibly be on the list of worse of all horror time.
Rating: Ever watch a film and go man I wonder if this is good. Then while watching it you go to yourself oh no it is the rotten piece of shit film that I have been ignoring for decades? Well that is what happened to me on this one. Why in gods name would some think making a film with shitting video scenes was a great idea? Total on crack and you should not be allowed to film again crap! If it were not for Ona Grauer cleavage throughout the film, this film would be a bomb and not worth a pint.
1/10 Beers! (thanks for the cleavage Ona Grauer)
Director: Anthony C. Ferrante
Main Stars: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, John Heard, Cassandra Scerbo, Julie McCullogh
Storyline: Freak hurricane hits LA with some trapped sharks within the cyclone.
Review (Spoils): What happens when your film careers have hot rock bottom? You sign on with a film like this and it turns into a cult following. We have a strange hurricane that hits LA which for some unknown reason creates cyclones (wouldn’t that be a tornado?) which just happens to start in the sea and it traps a large number of sharks within it and drops them into the city randomly. The best part are the sharks do not die on impact, instead they flip and flop and bit through everything. We have a terrible storyline, horrible acting, bad CGI and some off and on blood.
What I did not know was that sharks that can eat through everything, cars, trucks, through glass and even swallow people completely. (Classic chainsaw scene in the end) This movie has it all from munching parts, fake CGI blood and sharks, lost of sharks and a crazy fake tornado (actually 3-4 of them). This movie is just horrid.
Rating: I personally love bad movies but this one might take the cake for bad. If it was not for Cassandra Scerbo all over the screen this could have been a flip it off. This film is damn bad and the CGI just makes it worse. I can see why this has a cult following and multiple sequels (which of course I will get too and watch) as it is just that bad and cheesy. The final scenes takes the bloody cake and dear god what happened to Tara Reid that alone is scarier than the sharks.
Legend of the Bog (2009)
Director: Brendan Foley
Main Stars: Vinnie Jones, Jason Barry, Nora-Jane Noone, Amy Huberman, Olga Wehrly, Adam Fogerty
Storyline: An old body gets disturbed from the swamp when a new development is being built and the killings beginning.
Review (Spoils): An ancient warrior gets washed up (in perfect shape by the way) and the greedy asshole real estate woman asks for the body to be disposed of so that she can continue her project over the bog. So guess what happens next? Well he comes back for revenge and in this mess we have a bunch of other people involved when he comes back. We learn that some of the cardboard characters actual have back stories but it does not matter because the bogmen are going to get them.
The acting in this film is just terrible, the plot is crap, the bog man is not scary, there is not right or reason on how the bog really preserves the body and all the kills are off screen pretty much. I’m not even sure if this was a horror film now!
Rating: This movie just sucked no better way to say it. We have the cute Nora-Jane Noone so that gets a pint.
Filed under Monster, Zombie
Blood of Ghastly Horror (1967)
Director: Al Adamson
Main Stars: John Carradine, Kent Taylor, Tommy Kirk, Regina Carrol
Storyline: A mad scientist implants a device in the brain of a soldier and makes him a killer.
Review (Spoils): Joe Corey is given a second chance when he meets with the madman Dr. Vanard who implants an electronic device into his head. This turns poor Joe in a madman himself. This film is a total mess as it is the original film called Psycho A Go-Go and blended with new footage and then it tries to claim to be a new better film but it is still the same pile of crap. We have basically the zombie soldier chasing people for most of the film and the night scenes are so dark you can’t see anything.
Rating: This film is a total mess and I normally love bad films but this one reeks. The story makes no sense what so ever. You can tell that this film was pieced together like something of number reels of a movie college.
The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961)
Director: Coleman Francis
Main Stars: Douglas Mellor, Barbara Francis, Bing Stafford, Tor Johnson
Storyline: A nuclear explosion turns a Soviet scientist into a mad beast
Review (Spoils): A Russian scientist gets transformed into a madman (Tor Johnson) when an atomic test goes wrong. He becomes this strange looking hulk of man that roams the hillside with white shit on his face and he chases people around. The whole film is narrated by the monotone director which also does not help the film at all. The editing is painful, the beast is lacking, no blood, no gore, we have lost boys and the bonus mark of the film is the rabbit.
Rating: This might be possible one of the worse horror films I have had to rate so far. My dear god I want my hour back as this was over the top painful.
The Langoliers (1995)
Director: Tom Holland
Main Stars: Patricia Witting, Dean Stockwell, Tom Holland, Kimber Riddle, Kate Maberly, Bronson Pinchot
Storyline: Passengers on a plane disappear and the remaining passengers land in a mysterious empty airport.
Review (Spoils): An airplane is flying and some of the passengers fall asleep but wake up alone on the plane. All the other passengers have disappeared. This leads to conflict with the remaining passengers of different personalities and cultures as the story tries to do some character build. Finally they land the plane at an airport just find that it is stranded and nothing is really left. It is like everyone on Earth has vanished. While at the airport they discover the food has gone stale, no animals or insects exist and even gravity is messed up such as when the bullet of a gun is fired it does not move.
In the end they find out they flew through a rift and strange meatball monsters called the langoliers are the time keepers and they try to devour them. They escape by flying the plane back out the rift.
Rating: This is the dumbest and one of the most boring horror films ever made. I could barely get through it and I would like my time back from watching it. Skip this film at all costs it is slow, acting is bad and the storyline is boring as hell.
August Underground’s Mordum (2003)
Director: Jerami Cruise, Killjoy, Michael Todd Schneider, Fred Vogel, Cristie Whiles
Main Stars: Michael Todd Schneider, Fred Vogel, Cristie Whiles
Storyline: A couple have invited a new guy join their sick killing spree.
Review (Spoils): We have strange couple bring along another male friend to join them on their killing spree. They murder lesbian lovers, straight couples and torture and make them do sexual things while they slaughter them, they video tape the whole thing. That pretty much sums the film other than the following: shocking, boring, bouncing camera and I have no idea what I’m watching due to it, no reason for the murdering, boring, unnecessary sickness just to be gross, boring and some of the ugliest people that will ever be on your TV screen.
The movie was totally pointless and none of the characters were interesting and worth watching. Was there not one good looking person available for this film to at least make that worth it? Junkie looking, fat, dirty, punks… really? This does not interest me at all.
Yes the shock is there and the grossness is there. So if you’re a gore hound and really want to be disgusted this is for you (if you can get by the terrible camera work). But the acting is bad, all the torture was pointless (but very well done on the special effects) it felt it was created just to be sick and perverted and nothing more.
Rating: I like sick shit… I really do but there has to be some kind of reason for it. This was just a waste of my time which is too bad as I heard a lot about this been pretty messed up. So yes it’s messed up but it took away from the whole reason and storyline. The graphic torture scenes dragged on for too long…. to the point of pointlessness. Too much cursing for my taste believe or not (that would have to be alot of cursing for me to say that). Waste of my time and it too focused to shock for no reason which leads to boring!