Deadly Detention (2017)
Director: Blair Hayes
Main Stars: Alex Frnka, Sara Davenport, Henry Zaga, Coy Stewart, Jennifer Robyn Jacobs, Gillian Vigman, Kevin Blake
Storyline: A group of students from a former Correctional Facility are sent to detention on a Saturday and a killer is stalking them.
Review (Spoils): We have a mix bag of students sent on a weekend to detention where they meet the lead hot teacher for the weekend Ms. Presley (Gillian Vigman). After some dumb exchange of words and bugging each other they all get into more trouble as Lexie (Alex Frnka) is playing games and drives them all nuts with her skankness. Some how without and explanation a killer starts to attack the teacher, and this leads to the students working together with their attitudes to survive and get out.
This movie plot is flawed so bad I do not even know where to start. The only character besides the hot teacher of interest is the skank Lexie. I could not careless about any of them and just wanted to killer to kill them or Alex Frnka to get naked. Something had to happen in this film that was worth watching or at least put it out of its misery. I just wanted to smack the Jessica character (Sara Davenport) as she was just annoying. And the men of the movie were just boring and lame. Dear god this film sucked!
We got some blood, no gore, some off the screen killings, a masked killer that made no sense what’s so ever and an ending that was dumber than even the whole film. This is a boring mess!
Rating: Alex Frnka and Gillian Vigman get a beer worth of watching but the rest is just like watching paint dry. It is the Breakfast Club but that movie was scarier!
2/ 10 Beers!
The Poltergeist of Borley Forest / American Poltergeist II (2013)
Director: Stephen McKendree
Main Stars: Marina Petrano, Christopher Ingle, Rhea Rossiter, Nicholas Barrera
Storyline: A young girl is being haunted since a party in a forest.
Review (Spoils): This one that is even more confusing than the first film. We have a teenage girl who goes to a forest party and since she is being stalked by a man who is creepy in his own way and seeing strange things. With the help of her friends and her brother she tries to figure out the history and the connection to herself.
So, the acting is better but man this story line is slow and boring. We have like no action except some creepy dude trying to get laid for the first hour. Do not expect scares or very little blood (in a flashback) as there is just a lot of talking and semi bad acting. The deaths are off screen and just more chats. The parents are horrible actors and this film will make you sleep!
The film goes by a number of different titles like American Poltergeist II and You Will Love Me.
Rating: Why the Hell would they tie in a name of a second one when the first one was so bad. At least if you are trying to resurrect the series go out with a bang of gore and scares. Not yet another boring story line which has no real background or even connection to the first film. This is actually equal if not worse than the first film (yes, the acting is better) but man it is fucking boring. Even with the original titles, this film is bad. The only thing going for it the Lindsay Lohen lookalike Page (Marina Petrano).
Wishmaster 3 (2001)
Director: Chris Angel
Main Stars: Jason Connery, A.J Cook, Tobias Mehler, Lousiette Geiss, Daniella Evangelista, Emmanuelle Vaugier, John Novak
Storyline: The Djinn is back and causes terror at a University.
Review (Spoils): Student working on a project on ancient mythology unleash the djinn (John Novak) again upon the University. He is granting wishes to open the gates of Hell yet again. This time the evil lord is going against the lovely Diana (A.J Cook) who by accident unleashed him and now trying to trick her into her three wishes. When he does not get his way, he tries to use his charm for sexual advances and death to all upon the campus.
This film for the series starts to lose its fun and goes downhill. Number one the djinn in this one is not even scary and the human guise of Jason Connery is horror upon itself. We have some fun lovely and attractive women, which we all know Jason Connery does not have a hope in hell with in real life. Cheesy electric special effects, laser swords, some blood, bad one liners makes this film fall from the once great Wishmaster series. The seduction and overlays in this film are bad and the exploding heart brings the wishes to the lamest yet. In addition, the St. Michael story add in please leave this at the door.
Rating: I personally enjoyed the first two films of this series not sure, if it was because Andrew Divoff is gone as the main Djinn or this film was just stupid and poorly written. This movie was lacking on budget and tried to survive by through babes in it. We should have stuck with just the first two.
Cosmic Monsters (1958)
Director: Gilbert Gunn
Main Stars: Forrest Tucker, Gaby Andre, Martin Benson
Storyline: A visitors comes from outer space to warn the world that their experiments with the magnetic field could mutate insects.
Review (Spoils): Scientists are working on experiments with the magnetic field when a freak storm happens. A strange man with a funny moustache appears and starts to chat with a child and giving her speeches about change and man. He does not give much advice except that he should change his moustache to fit in and that he is from far away. We have a bunch of non-science talk as a bunch of attacks start to happen in the near by park. Once the investigation comes under way, we do learn that there is a ton of giant spiders and cockroaches running around eating people.
Monster movie time again, I know I have a ton of these. This time we have some bad dialogue and acting mixed with some giant insects. This film can actually be damn boring except the ending when the woman is trapped in the spider web and the insects are coming for her. The footage is actually cool for its time.
Rating: Overall, this film is bad. Not in a good way either, its flat and nothing stands out really, except that is it another monster film driven from science and has bugs. By the way, this film also goes by the title The Strange World of Planet X.
From Hell It Came (1957)
Director: Dan Milner
Main Stars: Tod Andrews, Tina Carver, Linda Watkins
Storyline: A prince is executed wrongly and comes back as a walking tree monster.
Review (Spoils): A tribal chief is charged with committing a sin by being friends with some scientists on the island. Some members of the tribe work together and kill him and when he is buried the radioactive material from the burial ground brings him back as a walking rubber tree. So the film moves slowly with this rubber tree stump with a mad face terrorising and killing people that plotted for his death. While all the time the scientist tries to find a way to defeat the tree monster as it cannot be harmed with bullets.
Welcome back to the 50s when drive in movie monsters were the thing. This movie has a bad plot; fuck I have no idea why they scientists were even on the island or the whole truth why it came back as a tree. We have a bunch of leading women that do some of the dumbest things and overreact. The best part of the whole film is the walking rubber tree stump as that will be semi memorable as it is very cheesy. No scares, no great one liners just a slow walking stump.
Rating: Super low budget on this one….. you have been warned. I personally love a nice silly film but this one was a bit too boring for me. Like I stated above the best thing was the monster itself as it was laughable and the walk was the best (more of waddle). But I do have to say I was due for a killer tree movie but I rather stick with The Guardian.
The Green Slime (1968)
Director: Kinji Fukasaku
Main Stars: Robert Horton, Luciana Paluzzi, Richard Jaeckel
Storyline: A giant asteroid is heading for Earth so they use a nearby space station to help blow it up but during the process some green slime gets tracked into the station.
Review (Spoils): Get ready for a unique storyline; there is an orange asteroid that is heading towards the Earth. We must destroy it before it destroys us. We have two hunky astronauts who are battling for the sexy space station nurse (Luciana Paluzzi,) and leadership of the mission. The mission becomes a success but they dragged some green slime into the space station which then grows into Dungeon and Dragons like red eyed ropers that feed off of electricity. Oh and when they bleed green slime they populate….. Ok.
That pretty much narrows up this cheesy space flick. We have some bad acting, some craziness when it comes to special effects, rubber monsters and of course the barely clad sexy space nurse Lisa. This film is not scary by any means and actually laughable and unwatchable.
Rating: If it was not the low special effects (like the yellow lasers, the fight scene involving hospital beds and a power rolls of action) this film would have totally bombed. The storyline and dialogue was horrible. I will give it a beer also for the sexy space nurse. Pass on this one……………..
Halloween 2 (2009)
Director: Rob Zombie
Main Stars: Scout Taylor-Compton, Tyler Mane, Malcolm McDowell, Sheri Moon Zombie, Brad Dourif, Tyler Mane
Storyline: Laurie Strode tries to deal with the nightmares of her killer brother as Michael returns home again.
Review (Spoils): Once again Michael Myers (Tyler Mane) has returned and he wants to finish off his family and Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor-Compton) is the target again. Except this time Laurie is a spoil brat (I guess the actions in the last film drove her with an ego) who just can’t get off her high horse and we have the bearded Michael walking around killing everything in his path. Unlike the first remake film from Rob Zombie this one has nothing to do with the original Halloween 2 and this just a mixed bag of shit and dream sequences. We get it she has nightmares of the past film….we do not need to wasted on this after the first time or the second. But it does not stop there did I mention in the psyche of Michaels mind is his childhood, a white horse (yes a horse!) and his mother who is portrayed by Sherri Moon Zombie?
Other than the beautiful Sherri Moon Zombie to look at (yes Rob we know she is good looking and she is in every film you ever did) this film is a total mess and might possible be his worse to date. Between dreamscapes, the wanna be mom from Friday the 13th demanding to kill, all over the place plot gaps and the powerhouse Michael Myers being able to take a hit from anything and keep going, this film is a total loss.
Rating: Skip this film if you actual enjoy the Halloween series. Even for remakes this one missed the mark by a very large throw. You can have as much gore and blood that anyone can take but when you mix it with this much crap then it just isn’t that great. This film was a bloody mess in a bad way.
Cannibal Holocaust 2 (1988)
Director: Antonio Climati
Main Stars: Marco Merlo, Fabrizio Nerlo, May Deseligny
Storyline: four people head into the jungle to look for a lost professor and instead run into a group of bandits that are torturing tribal people.
Review (Spoils): We have a group of people who find out a professor is still alive in the Amazon so they steal a plane and go look for him. Once in the jungle they get help from a female tribeswoman and she leads them to the professor and her tribe. When they get to the jungle tribe they learn that there are bandits there that are torturing the people so that they steal their treasure. Somewhere in here there is a storyline of some child smugglers and saving animals from being tortured and eaten.
This film is a mess and feels like it was only created because of the backlash from the first film. The film is lacking violence, gore and a unique storyline. The only thing cannibal in the film is it is tribe’s people. I personally do not understand what Antonio Climati was trying to prove with this film.
Rating: This is film dry and boring and if it was never made it would not have mattered. With a title like Cannibal Holocaust you would think it would at least try to shock.
Back From Hell (Ex inferis) (2011)
Director: Leonardo Araneo
Main Stars: Giovanni Araneo, Aran Bertetto, Giovanni Guidelli, Jennifer Mischiatti, Manuela Paraodi, Roberto Zibetti
Storyline: Some ex classmates decide to rent a manor house in the countryside which has a resident priest. After the first night things start to get out of hand.
Review (Spoils): We have six friends that decide to head the countryside for a vacation with a video camera (my god people in horror films are addicted to these things) to an old manor house. When they get there after some annoying banter in the car they realise that a priest (Giovanni Guidelli) resides in the manor. After meeting the priest they decide hey why not create and play with an Ouija board and bring upon some spirits, after that the stay goes to shit.
Six people that seem to know each other but act like they are fourteen (one of them being pregnant) are in a manor doing stupid stuff, including filming it all when a demon starts to slowly possess them one by one. That is the sum of this film. We have lots of weird noises, jumpy camera work, painful acting, some blood, a cool scene in the woods (which by the way is the only really good scene), some people jumping out of windows and a lot of dumb dialogue which can be painful.
Rating: If it was not for the fine looks of Jennifer Mischiatti and Manuela Paraodi this film would have been close to a bomb. The scares are very lacking, the film is too dark in spots, really a camera filming the whole time this shit is going down seems pretty unrealistic and the acting of the male characters was just downright awful. If it was not for the pregnant woman scene in the bush this film would have been a flat out bomb almost and what was with Roberto Zibetti possession voice, did they use the Green Goblin as a role model?
The Amityville Horror 5: Amityville Curse (1990)
Director: Tom Berry
Main Stars: Kim Coates, Dawna Wightman, Helen Hughes, Cassandra Gava
Storyline: A priest is killed and now the place where his belongs are is haunted.
Review (Spoils): A priest is murdered in a confession booth (wow that’s new) and his belongings get shacked up in a basement of a house. A group of people move into the same house not knowing that the stuff is located in the basement. Strange things start to happen to the people of the house such as sounds, ghost visions of a man and dog, nightmares, windows opening, blood in the water, shaking house and massive migraines but nobody moves out.
The acting is this film is beyond painful and man they didn’t even use the same house so really the connection of the series is lost. The plot is very lacking as you could be bored to death with this film. The finally 15 min. is ok but you are tortured the whole time to get there.
Rating: My god this series just needs to end. I personally thought the lamp in the previous was bad but I wrong this one that was done in Canada is worse!! Amityville Curse is the right title at least because this series is cursed to get worse and worse.
Filed under Haunting, Occult