Tag Archives: 3 Beers

The Temple (2017)

The Temple (2017)

Country: USA

Director:  Michael Barrett

Main Stars:  Logan Huffman, Natalia Warner, Brandon Sklenar

Storyline:  Three Americans head to Japan as tourist and hunt down into the mountains for a lost hidden temple they found in a book.

Review (Spoils): A storyline is retold of what unfolded at the old temple. Asshole boyfriend (Brandon Sklenar) of Kate (Natalia Warner) is already in Japan, so she travels to met him there along with her dreamy creepy friend Christopher (Logan Huffman). When they get there the third wheel kicks into high gear and the come to an old bookstore in which Kate wants a book she cannot understand. Well freak friend decides to stop taking pictures of her (which James should beat him to a pulp for) and watch her have sex in the same room at night and steal the book for her. They head to the mountains and find the temple and he breaks his leg and they have to spend the night and things go wrong.

This whole storyline is scattered the characters relationship makes no sense what’s so ever and seems to be on the edge of stalker. Besides hot Natalia Warner the movie has the typical scares of a small boy, appearing ghosts, eyeless people and some old broken statues and a lack of storyline. The film is boring and lacking in scares. No blood and no real substance to hold it all together.

Rating:  This film was not holding a lot for me from the beginning but luckily it had Natalia Warner. Other than that, the film was a repeat of number of old ghost haunting films and lacked total sense. This should be called The Stalker not The Temple.

3/10 Beers!

Yacker

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Rattlesnake (2019)

Rattlesnake (2019)

Country: USA

Director:  Zak Hilditch

Main Stars:  Carmen Ejigi, Theo Rossi, Emma Greenwell, Jenna Doolittle, Apollonia Pratt, Debrianna Mansini

Storyline:  A young mom tries to save her daughter from a poisonous bite from a rattlesnake. Has she sold her soul to the devil?

Review (Spoils): Young Katrina and her daughter Clara are traveling across country until she gets a flat tire. For some unknown reason her daughter is out of the car in the desert playing while she battles the bolts on the tire. She gets bit by a rattlesnake (no shit) and is going to die until she gets help. Katrina ends up at a strange redneck like trailer in the middle of nowhere and makes a pact for a cure.

Now the pact is where the movie and the story line get lost, nothing is explained really on what she is told or has to do. She starts to see things that she thinks is real and goes on a hunting spree of desperation to make it all end.  Carmen Ejigi character is lacking or maybe it was the performance. First, I would not find her threaten at all with a gun and second the focused way to much on the emotion of eyes when there was clearly fake emotion. Plus, why in the fuck was your kid in the desert that far alone.

The film also lacks on gore and yet once again uses cheap CGI for the black plague of the poison. This film lacked massively on the scares and frights and it was more like a cheap made for TV series. People that should be dead reappear sorry this is not frightening in anyway in this day age of horror films.

Rating:  Things I learnt from watching this film. Yes, Netflix does have some crap when it comes to movies. Never, ever let your child wander out in a desert field. Carmen Ejigi is cute but might not be a very good actress. Emma Greenwell could have been in the movie more in her panties. Who the fuck tries to change a tire with a tire iron and using their hands? Use your foot and you kick it down to loosen the bolt dump ass! The kid was annoying prob not worth all the effort.

3/10 Beers!

Yacker

 

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Deadcon (2019)

Deadcon (2019)

Country: USA

Director:  Caryn Waechter

Main Stars:  Lauren Elizabeth, Claudia Sulewski, Keith Machekanyanga, Mimi Gianopulos, Jessie Paege

Storyline:  Young social media stars are being killed and haunted by technology past.

 

Review (Spoils): Young and annoying social media stars are invited to a con around themselves but when they book into a hotel, they start to experience strange things and slowly start to not be themselves.

First off, the whole social media horror has been overdone to the point just stop please. Yes, I use social media but lets be honest there is a large number of people screaming for attention that we do not need a horror film around it every 6 months.  We have some young attractive but yet annoying full of themselves social media stars (Lauren Elizabeth, Claudia Sulewski, Jessie Paege) and a hot agent for one (Mimi Gianopulos) and some cheesy stalker like guys that all check into a hotel for this huge braindead social media event. Turns out back in 1980s a little kid named Bobby had no friends and start to haunt the internet and now wants revenge.

Nothing in this film is explained except how stupid we are as a society. That is what I got out of this film period. We have annoying egotist young people, annoying fan smart phone addicted kids, a young boy who walks around back and forth with a balloon and a really old computer. Other than the boring bleed walls nonsense and some kind of cool effects in one scene with Claudia Sulewski the rest is just garbage.

Rating:  If you have an hour and 15min to kill and want to watch some cute annoying chicks slap this film on. If you want something that makes sense and still has hot chicks, please check out a ton of other horror films that have nothing to do with the internet. Mimi Gianopulos you can do better than this mess.

3/10 Beers!

Yacker

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Day of the Dead: Bloodlines (2018)

Day of the Dead: Bloodlines (2018)

Country: USA

Director:  Hector Hernandez Vicens

Main Stars:  Sophie Skelton, Jonathan Schaech, Jeff Gum, Lilian Blankenship, Shari Watson, Marcus Vanco, Mark Rhino Smith

Storyline:  After a zombie outbreak a group of military personnel try to experiment and get the outbreak under control.

Review (Spoils): The film starts off as a typical B movie with zombies running around biting people a young hot woman running for her life through the streets as her top is coming loose. I was thinking to myself man this movie is going to be awesome and now I can relax. I was wrong.

Within the credits the film started to take it self serious, yes, I just said that it tried to be a good film. This hurt the film greatly before we knew it we had no idea what happened to characters, what time was in the film and what the hell happened to the running young ladies! Instead we get a zombie outbreak that infects a pervert that wanted to rape someone, and she keeps him alive to find out a cure because she knows the zombie will do what she wants like a pet. There is the whole damn movie I just saved to you 1.5 hours.

We have zombies, breasts running in the streets, nasty bites, running zombies and the one thing that drove me nuts a clear rip off the original all having a zombie chained to the way as a pet. Fuck you!!

Rating:  This film could have been great if they would have kept or kept adding the young girls the zombies to eat. But no, it had to try to be serious when it was just bad, so there is number one issue. Number two issue zombie military films are hard to do and make great unless you are Fulci or Romero. Number three issue zombie should never run stop that! Number four do not fuck with a classic!

3/10 Beers!

Yacker

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Ghoulies (1984)

Ghoulies (1984)

Country: USA

Director:  Luca Bercovici

Main Stars: Peter Liapis, Lisa Pelikan, Tamara De Treaux, Mariska Hargitay, Peter Risch, Charene Cathleen

Storyline:  A young man finds a book of the occult when taking over an old house.

Review (Spoils): This film screams 80s so get ready. We have a young couple that decide to take over an old house and the basement calls to him when he comes across an old book of the occult. He quits school and decides one night when they have a party to start a calling. (instead of playing strip poker sigh..) Before you know it, his girlfriends start to suspect so call, he calls on the darkness to control her and all this little rubber demons come out to help him.

The film has hot 80s ladies, cheap lightning and fog, beers and drugs, some fancy cult robes, rubber demons, a nasty tongue and some minor blood. The film was entertaining for what it was but really the ending kind of came and went.

Rating:  I dislike maybe even hate films where everything just magically goes back to normal. For example, April Fools Day (drives me nuts) what was the point of the film then? But we do see Mariska Hargitay when she was young and before she was a star and man, she is cute! Also, Charene Cathleen was not bad either but the movie itself was pretty silly.

3/10 Beers!

 

 

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Romina (2018)

Romina (2018)

Country: Mexico

Director:  Deigo Cohen

Main Stars:  Francisa Lozano, Arantz Ruiz, Oliver Nara, Claudia Zepeda

Storyline:  A group of teens head out to the woods for camping and slowly get slaughtered one by one after a woman was raped.

Review (Spoils): Ok yes, the storyline from the top screams I Spit on Your Grave (the original always). The film starts with a group of annoying people in a car heading to the camp grounds and making fun of people when really there are the dumb freaks. Before you know they, all have 2 beers and are drunk and horny. Two douche bags head out and spy on a naked stranger in before you know she lures them all to be slaughtered after she is attacked in her tent.

Yes, it one of those films where you cheer for the killer as they are all being slaughter. The problem with the film is all the killing if off scene (I am guessing due to budget) so we only see the after effects. Which is gory but not seeing the acting makes the horror lacking. The ending is a bit strange also but makes sense in the end.  But the characters are all so stupid you want them all to die!

The best scene in the film is the rock to the head scene which was like a GWAR show! The rest is hog ties, stabbings, cut off penis’s, rape, one naked scene in the distance and some missing eyes. Lots of after death scenes.

Rating:  Same old song and dance with this film as we have seen in films like I Spit on Your Grave. The difference is this one does not show any of the gruesome killings, except on time someone is swinging a branch against a tree. The film was not boring but at the same time the characters I hated and could not wait for the film to end.

3/10 Beers!

Yacker

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Death House (2017)

Death House (2017)

Country:  USA

Director:  B. Harrison Smith

Main Stars:  Bill Mosely, Tony Todd, Nicole Cinaglia, Adrienne Barbeau, Kane Holder, Debbie Rochon, Gunnar Hansen, Dee Wallace, Lindsay Hartley, Barbara Crampton, Camille Keaton, Cortney Palm, Sid Haig, Brinke Stevens, Tiffany Shepis, Felissa Rose, Lauren Compton, Beverly Randolph, Sean Whalen, Cody Longo. Lloyd Kaufman

Storyline:  A secret prison has a power outage and all Hell breaks loose when two agents are trapped.

Review (Spoils): Not sure what everyone was thinking with this film, but it became a simple over the top gore mess. The storyline is not very detailed, and it is actually kind of jumbled. We have two agents Condy Longo and Cortney Palm trapped in a prison where a large collection of doctors (including Dee Wallace’s bad hair) has the prisoners trapped with victims that satisfy their needs. Kane Hodder is one of the main prisons badasses and as the power goes out, he starts to lead a front of prisoners.

The film does delivery the bloody goods with slashing, cutting, gun shots, intestines, some weird living zombies gore scene, cheap gas and Satan fire scene and lots of gore. The film is all over the place but we do also get a few glances of Courtney Palm topless but nothing sexy from Debbie Rochon, Felissa Rose, Lindsay Hartley or Laura Compton. (such a missed chance)

Rating:  This is a knocking dead all star cast of horror! There are more names in this film then I can even name when it comes to paying homage to horror. We have the classic villains like Bill Mosely, Tony Todd, Gunnar Hansen, Kane Holder and Sean Whalen to name a few. Over the top gore hound Lloyd Kaufman. And the horror B Queens themselves like Adrienne Barbeau, Debbie Rochon, Dee Wallace, Barbara Crampton, Camille Keaton, Brinke Stevens, Felissa Rose and Lauren Compton just to name a few! But unfortunately it could not save the film from a written mess, it just tried too hard and the finale was kind of boring and lame to the end Hansen that way.  The only thing that made the ending okay was the homage to Gunnar Hansen which was a nice little added touch which made me sad.

3/10 beers!

Yacker

 

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Dementia 13 (2017)

Dementia 13 (2017)

Country:  USA

Director:  Richard LeMay

Main Stars:  Julia Campanelli, Channing Pickett, Steve Polites, Marianne Noscheze, Ana Isabelle

Storyline:  A rich family starts to see deaths as they wonder what has happened to one of the sons while honoring the death of the youngest daughter.

Review (Spoils): The Haloran’s family is messed up as they have a very rich upbringing and act like spoiled brats to honor their mother Gloria. As one son disappears when he marries a woman that the family disapproves of things start to get a little bloody as someone is swinging an axe.

Not really sure where to start with this mess, oh ya I hate remakes and the original is a goddamn classic! The film does not try to stay true to the classic and it’s a mess from the being. The acting is lacking and the only going for it is the odd blood scene and the hotness of Ana Isabelle which they fucking killed early in the film! The film is so unrealistic on the way people act and walk around that it was hard to focus on the story. Not too much the haunting background thrown into the mix…. Disaster!

The film gives is a nasty face scratch, dripping and splashes of blood, shitty ghosts, axe swings and a nice axe to the chest (nice chest too by the way). Other than that, just some back and forth and shitty ending.

Rating:  Fuck Richard LeMay for even thinking this was a good idea. Also, should have kept Ana Isabelle till the end. Grab a case of beer and go find the original!

3/10 Beers!

Yacker

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The Lodgers (2017)

The Lodgers (2017)

Country:  Ireland

Director:  Brian O’Malley

Main Stars:  Charlotte Vega, Bill Milner, Eugene Simon

Storyline:  Twins are cursed to never leave the house as they have a sinister evil living in their house.

Review (Spoils): Rachel (Charlotte Vega) and Edward (Bill Milner) are trapped in a run-down old house and there is a unexplained evil that lives at night to make sure. There are three rules for the twins, must be in bed for the strike of midnight, don’t let people in and if one breaks the rule they both pay. As one falls in love it all goes weird and both twin struggle with the evil called the Lodgers.

We have a nice little Irish ghost like tale that struggles with a interesting story even though it could of worked. The backdrop is beautiful, but the story got boring and dragged. There is nothing for scares here really, but it does have some eerie to it. The film dips a bit into the incest world which is not a surprise as you can feel it in the beginning so that was not even a surprised. The part that I struggled with was the Lodgers themselves. The evil just did not feel it and the back story was blotchy. Which is too bad because the tale was not bad, but it was too boring to hold my attention.

Rating:  I just get why people enjoy this film. Yes, it was done well and it is a cute tale but for a horror film it just was not enough to keep me going and wanting more. We lack, and scares and we have water and floating bodies sorry but just not enough for beers.

3/10 Beers!

Yacker

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The Axe Murders of Villisca (2016)

The Axe Murders of Villisca (2016)

Country:  USA

Director:  Tony E. Valenzuela

Main Stars:  Robert Adamson, Jarett Sleeper, Alex Frnka, Sean Whalen

Storyline:  Three losers decide to break into an older house to find out if it is really haunted from the past axe murders.

Review (Spoils): We have two boys who are supposed to be teenagers who are losers that you do not care about. We have a young hot kind of goth babe who got drunk and slept with someone and is now trapped in with the above two losers. And we have a mixed match back story with someone who killed people with an axe a long time ago and we still have not figured out why (even after the film)

Dear god not sure where it begin with this mess. The story is all over the place and the reason for the three-young people to break into the house is really pointless and dumb. The kids do not even look like teenagers and so what you slept with someone. Are people really that shallow anymore especially if you are 30? This film when it comes to storyline from the start was a fucking disaster! Not to mention the past story which I am still fucking lost. Who wrote and casted this?

Ok so now the time for some of the good points, Sean Whalen rocks! He is like a horror legend in my books and when I feel him in a film I smile. Hello, People Under the Stairs! Too bad his part was little and underrated in this film.  The only other highlight of this film was Alex Frnka. Never heard of her but man she is hot and should be in more horror films. Love the look and the character she played in this film even though she was way to old to play the part for that story line. But this film gets some pints for the eye candy.  We some axes and some blood and it had some potential within the first 5min.

 

Rating:  Don’t waste your time. Even if you have spare time and are staring at Netflix go somewhere else. Unless you want to see Alex Frnka hotness some more that is about all this film deliveries besides confusion and questions of why!

3/10 Beers!

Yacker

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