House of the Dead (2003)
Director: Uwe Boll
Main Stars: Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso, Clint Howard, Ona Grauer, Ellie Cornell, Enuka Okuma, Kira Clavell, Sonya Salomaa
Storyline: College students go to an island for a rave and are overtaken by zombies
Review (Spoils): A group of stupid college students (even though they are old enough to be out of school) head to an island so that they can attend a rave and film it. When they get there, it does not take long to learn that the island is over taken by fast moving flesh eating zombies. As the film movies along with some very bad acting and out of this world horrible video game film pieces we learn that it is all being powered by a past zombie lord and his house of the dead.
We have some babes, some cleavage, the worse idea of placing video game footage in a film, some shitty storyline, dumb kissing scene, some ok looking zombies, slow motion scenes that you are wondering why you would do this. This film could possibly be on the list of worse of all horror time.
Rating: Ever watch a film and go man I wonder if this is good. Then while watching it you go to yourself oh no it is the rotten piece of shit film that I have been ignoring for decades? Well that is what happened to me on this one. Why in gods name would some think making a film with shitting video scenes was a great idea? Total on crack and you should not be allowed to film again crap! If it were not for Ona Grauer cleavage throughout the film, this film would be a bomb and not worth a pint.
1/10 Beers! (thanks for the cleavage Ona Grauer)
Ice Cream Man (1995)
Director: Paul Norman
Main Stars: Clint Howard, Justin Isfeld, Anndi McAfee, JoJo Adams, Andrea Evans, Olivia Hussey, Lee Majors II
Storyline: A crazed man wants to make children happy so he becomes an ice cream vendor but when they become ungrateful he has revenge.
Review (Spoils): Gregory Tudor (Clint Howard) is not your average guy. He left Wishing Well Sanatorium and all he wants in life is to make children happy (ok creepy from the start) so start to work as an ice cream vendor. The children start to become ungrateful and pains in his ass so he starts to chop of people and animals and place them in the new flavour of the month and makes a profit.
So the plot is weak and the acting is even weaker, but if you’re in a not serious mood and like the odd bad taste film this might be up your alley. We have plastic flowers, a kid in a fat suite named Tuna, ice cream, melted pops, blood dripping, and the mug of Clint Howard, clowns, blonde babes screaming, some really bad cops, lots of gore, eyeballs, a head in a cone and grounding of a dog and did I mention Tuna?
Rating: What did you expect with a film starring Clint Howard made by a porn director Paul Norman? Let’s just say this could be the best ice cream killer movie out there…….wait is there others?
It’s so bad that it’s not bad…………….
Director: Rob Zombie
Main Stars: Scout Taylor-Compton, Malcolm McDowell, Tyler Mane, Sherri Moon Zombie, Daeg Faerch, Clint Howard, Bill Mosele, Brad Dourif
Storyline: A retelling of the Michael Myers story but more focussed on his childhood.
Review (Spoils): Sigh…. remake time again with a review. We have the re-telling of the Michael Myer’s (Daeg Faerch ) story from the Halloween series. The young boy is messed up as he has been locked up since he was 10 after killed and start to learn what makes him tick. During this process his escapes and heads back home to Haddonfield where he stalks and tries to kill his younger sister Laurie. Anyone who gets in his way of this is killed in brutal ways.
We have a retelling tale of Mike Myers (Tyler Mane) and Doctor Loomis (Scout Taylor-Compton) but this time done with the script of Rob Zombie. Now we all know that Zombie is a horror fan and he wanted to tell his updated take of this tale. The beginning starts actually very interesting when he gets into the younger details of what is going on in the mind of the young boy. To me this was fresh and it held my attention and I was impressed. Then the story flipped to the remake part and it literality felt like it was word for word of a remake. To me this is just lazy and there was nothing new anymore to this tale. I loved the beginning but then it was just felt boring about mid way through the film. Sure we have a more graphic film then the classic from the 70s but this does not make it a good/or better film because of it.
Rating: I have a hard time wrapping around my head why you would want to do this remake. If you’re a fan of the film series you think you would not want to touch it and leave it as is. I would focus more on learning from the classic and creating something new on your own. But I guess that’s just me and Hollywood loves it cash in remakes. Not a horrible film but it is one of Rob Zombies better films.
Leprechaun 2 (1994)
Director: Rodman Flender
Main Stars: Warwick Davis, Charlie Heath, Shevonne Durkin, Kimmy Robertson, Clint Howard
Storyline: The leprechaun is on the hunt for a bride
Review (Spoils): The leprechaun (Warwick Davis) is dedicated a bride for him after his 1000 birthday by making her sneezes 3 times unless someone says “God Bless you”. He travels to the land in search of the woman of his dreams in which she already has a boyfriend. He finds Bridget (Shevonne Durkin) and kidnaps her and her boyfriend Cody (Charlie Heath ) needs to save her. He finds out that only cold iron can destroy the leprechaun so he travels to the home of the fey and tries to rescue her and put an end to the evil beast.
We have some lawnmowers, telephone cord strangling, drunken leprechauns, stomach cuts, St. Pats fun and the tree lair of the leprechaun.
Rating: Too be honest this series is just whacked. We have silly moments and some dumb moments. The acting is very limited and the whole idea of the leprechaun is beyond silly in the horror genre. Grab some green beer for this one if you’re already drunk and got some time to kill.