Dementia 13 (2017)
Director: Richard LeMay
Main Stars: Julia Campanelli, Channing Pickett, Steve Polites, Marianne Noscheze, Ana Isabelle
Storyline: A rich family starts to see deaths as they wonder what has happened to one of the sons while honoring the death of the youngest daughter.
Review (Spoils): The Haloran’s family is messed up as they have a very rich upbringing and act like spoiled brats to honor their mother Gloria. As one son disappears when he marries a woman that the family disapproves of things start to get a little bloody as someone is swinging an axe.
Not really sure where to start with this mess, oh ya I hate remakes and the original is a goddamn classic! The film does not try to stay true to the classic and it’s a mess from the being. The acting is lacking and the only going for it is the odd blood scene and the hotness of Ana Isabelle which they fucking killed early in the film! The film is so unrealistic on the way people act and walk around that it was hard to focus on the story. Not too much the haunting background thrown into the mix…. Disaster!
The film gives is a nasty face scratch, dripping and splashes of blood, shitty ghosts, axe swings and a nice axe to the chest (nice chest too by the way). Other than that, just some back and forth and shitty ending.
Rating: Fuck Richard LeMay for even thinking this was a good idea. Also, should have kept Ana Isabelle till the end. Grab a case of beer and go find the original!
One Missed Call (2008)
Director: Eric Valette
Main Stars: Edward Burns, Shannyn Sossamon, Ana Claudia Talancon, Ray Wise, Azura Skye
Storyline: Voicemails start to show up from people’s future selves, which details their own deaths.
Review (Spoils): Remake time again, man horror has to be the worse for this. A young woman gets a voicemail detailing the date and time she will die and it does happen. A friend of hers starts to investigate the accident with the girl’s boyfriend. We learn that he got a call also and then meets his death. The detective for the investigations sister was the first victim and they try to tie the killer to her and a name of woman Marie Layton. What is with Marie Layton that is causing this on going voicemail curse?
Bring out the jump scares of clichés. We have lots of phone calls, flip phones, bad acting, poor storyline, creepy music and oh possessed cell phones. This film is lacking in much as it does not make much sense. The jump scenes are too common and you can sense them by the music so the scares are lacking and the whole ghost through the phone is just lame. We have some ghouls, ghosts and some similarities to the Final Destination series.
Rating: Go to the original film please, stay away from this one unless you want to see Shannyn Sossamon on the screen only. This film is full of holes, lack of a solid plot and somehow the device is tied to a long time curse. So stay away from your voice mailbox and you will live. Unless you are a cat then you will die for no reason except your owner is a idiot.
Cabin Fever (2016)
Director: Travis Zariwny
Main Stars: Gage Golightly, Matthew Daddario, Samuel Davis, Nadine Crocker, Dustin Ingram, Randy Schulman, Louise Linton
Storyline: A group of young people go to a cabin in the woods and become sick from the water supply.
Review (Spoils): Remake time yet again in the world of horror. This time it is one of gems of the horror world Cabin Fever. The story does not stretch far from the original except the characters are a little more paper thin, the dialogue is vague and you actually can be annoyed at the beginning of the film with the characters. But it makes up some of this with the gore.
We have pretty much the same scenes as the original film (which gives a question why the remake) and the blood is not as good but there is plenty still. We have gory dogs, puking blood, the classic shave scene, unnecessary sex scenes (nice body Nadine Crocker), gun shots, rotting flesh, nasty bleeding, some stupid dropin characters that were not needed and the cute Gage Golightly.
Rating: This film is pretty much the same thing but not as funny and the characters are a bit more annoying. The film has the same amount of gore but the sex scenes are annoying and not needed and the characters that just dropin in the film make no sense. This hurts the film, if they would have just stuck with the blood and gore and Gage Golightly this film could have been rated higher.
Stage Fright (2014)
Director: Jerome Sable
Main Stars: Minnie Driver, Meat Loaf, Allie Macdonald, Douglas Smith, Brandon Uranowitz, Melanie Leishaman, Steffi DiDomenicantonio
Storyline: A group of singers are being cursed by a play production on stage.
Review (Spoils): Remake time again but this time it is one of my sacred favorites and I will try to review this will an open mind. So what do you get when you mix Glee with a horror film you get the Stage Fright remake silly!
This movie starts off with a flashback where we have the beautiful Kylie Swanson (Minnie Driver) being the scarlet of a play and she gets killed off with a nasty bloody slashing and since the play has been cursed. From there was flash the teeny bop future where we have nonstop singing, teen conflict, sexual in your window scenes and a young shy Camilla (Allie Macdonald) trying to be the star her mom once was.
Lots of blood flow in this one and we have some unique kills and to be honest the silly singing made this film very different and fun. This film is exactly what it is suppose to be a bloody fun time. Sure some of the characters are annoying and paper thin but they built the main characters enough to even the film. We have sexy scenes, a madman in a white mask killing everything in a whacked voice, lots of blood, some fun scenes, Meat Loaf as the stage producer, cute Allie Macdonald and Steffi DiDomenicantonio walking around in stockings throughout the film!
Rating: I normally hate remakes but this one was so far off from the classic with the owl mask killer that I took this like a separate film. If you want to see something that is cheezie and fun and a bloody mess than Stage Fright might be for you!
House of Wax (2005)
Director: Jaume Collet-Serra
Main Stars: Chad Michael Murray, Paris Hilton, Elisha Cuthbert
Storyline: A group of teens get stranded near and wax museum and try to fight for their lives against an unknown killer.
Review (Spoils): A group of friends were on their way to a football game and they come across car trouble (suprise!) so they end up in a nearby town called Ambrose which is known for its House of Wax. Well the town is actually pretty deserted and they learn the story of the Sinclairs that use to run the House of Wax from the friendly mechanic. This leads also that the teens already pissed someone off the night before while camping and it could of possibly lead the car issue and now all of them slowly disappearing and getting killed.
Another remake to hit the site and yet another film is not that great. Annoying teens from Hollywood and some typical trash such as broken down vehicles and strangers that do not talk but come back and cause shit and of and the charming stranger from the strange town that seems too friendly. Lots of melted wax on skin, some stabbings, a couple slices, a metal pole impaling (yeah…cheered on this one) and strange storyline. This was too polished by Hollywood and was such a mix bag from the original.
Rating: First off you known your horror films are going to suck if you have Paris Hilton in it…come on. That tips the bar of being a remake to begin with; even the beautiful Elisha Cuthbert cannot save the film from that. Poor Vincent Price would be rolling in his grave.
Halloween 2 (2009)
Director: Rob Zombie
Main Stars: Scout Taylor-Compton, Tyler Mane, Malcolm McDowell, Sheri Moon Zombie, Brad Dourif, Tyler Mane
Storyline: Laurie Strode tries to deal with the nightmares of her killer brother as Michael returns home again.
Review (Spoils): Once again Michael Myers (Tyler Mane) has returned and he wants to finish off his family and Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor-Compton) is the target again. Except this time Laurie is a spoil brat (I guess the actions in the last film drove her with an ego) who just can’t get off her high horse and we have the bearded Michael walking around killing everything in his path. Unlike the first remake film from Rob Zombie this one has nothing to do with the original Halloween 2 and this just a mixed bag of shit and dream sequences. We get it she has nightmares of the past film….we do not need to wasted on this after the first time or the second. But it does not stop there did I mention in the psyche of Michaels mind is his childhood, a white horse (yes a horse!) and his mother who is portrayed by Sherri Moon Zombie?
Other than the beautiful Sherri Moon Zombie to look at (yes Rob we know she is good looking and she is in every film you ever did) this film is a total mess and might possible be his worse to date. Between dreamscapes, the wanna be mom from Friday the 13th demanding to kill, all over the place plot gaps and the powerhouse Michael Myers being able to take a hit from anything and keep going, this film is a total loss.
Rating: Skip this film if you actual enjoy the Halloween series. Even for remakes this one missed the mark by a very large throw. You can have as much gore and blood that anyone can take but when you mix it with this much crap then it just isn’t that great. This film was a bloody mess in a bad way.
The Ring 2 (2005)
Director: Hideo Nakata
Main Stars: Naomi Watts, David Dorfman, Sissy Spacek, Elizabeth Perkins, Gary Cole, Simon Baker
Storyline: 6 months after the first film Samara Morgan has returned and so has the video
Review (Spoils): Some high school couple dare each other to watch the film, the girl covers her eyes and Samara returns to kill the young man. Rachel Keller (Naomi Watts ) learns of the twisted death and she starts again on the hunt to stop the video and the terror of the ghost of Samara and to protect her son.
Again with the sequels but we all knew this one was going to happen as the Ringu series if large. We have the return of Rachel and once again her acting is well done for this film but it could not save the film from the lack of sense. This film is not even close to the first one and even the CGI effects in it could not bring it to justice. We have the return of the VHS tape, some deer in the forest that randomly attack a car, the ghost of Samara wanting her mommy (really?) and a whole lot of the same shit as the first film.
The storyline in this one is very weak…..
Rating: The first film (yes it was a remake) was actually not bad and I was looking forward to this one to follow suite but instead it became and dread of boredom and lack of story. The well, the TV and the nonsense of this film killed what could have been a great series.